Change

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes.”
Snip, snip, snip and suddenly she was a completely different person.
She had a sudden moment of terror when she took in her image on in the mirror. A frightening flashback to when she had earlier sported a short hairstyle. How they’d started calling her a boy. How they’d teased her every time she did something ‘girly’ because she was a boy, wasn’t she? Her childhood sweetheart confessing that he’d never thought of her as a girl because girls have long hair. 
Then all of a sudden the memories stopped coming, and she was back in the saloon, paying a surprisingly cheap fee.
She took a deep breath before stepping out.

How my Art grew when my Heart broke

During my second year of college I had to deal with a lot of crap. My depression started affecting my daily life to the point I often left early from class. I had body image issues and the slight teasings from classmates made it worse. I lost a few friends and it hit me hard. The final nail in the coffin was my boyfriend at that time telling me I had become unlovable.

But every cloud has a silver lining- this was the time I realised that drawing was catharsis for my soul. So I drew. I experimented with many styles till I found one that suited me. And then, I drew every time something brought me down.

This might not shock you, but it did me. I’d never drawn something this grotesque before.

They’re not all great works of art. Most were done in between crying sessions, so they were quick, messy and frankly not very aesthetically pleasing. It it was very different from the perfection I usually practiced. 

Ode to a Lesser Human

I’ll never forget the truths you taught me

Nor would I ever forgive you the scars

But even now, as I stand healed and whole

I still regret playing out our farce

First it was fun, a source of great cheer

To prick you with my wit

I loved nothing more than to lend an ear

To those who saw you unfit

Though not a bad word ever left my lips

It brought me a smile to see

That no matter how well you played your cards

There were still those immune like me

Unanswered

Firstly, I apologize for the long absence -_- College was taking too much of my time. But I have some holidays now so I’m back! Yay!  ~( ^ o ^ )~

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Her feelings were and would always be one sided, and she was strangely okay with it.

She didn’t know what to call it. It was too shallow to be love, but too deep to be just a crush. The object of her affections, she had known for a long time. Yet the connection was new forged.

He was the complete opposite of what she had deemed her ‘type’. Short and soft-spoken, he preferred books to TV shows and silences to meaningless babble. He payed a lot of attention to grooming but aimed to look neat rather than stylish. He’d easily be lost in a crowd because there was nothing particularly unique about his appearance.

But her gaze would find him in seconds.

No one could see, unless they looked very closely, how his eyes looked like molten chocolate in the sun. They’d never find the small crooked tooth that would magically appear with every shy smile nor the lean muscles hiding behind the crisp clothes. That his palm, whenever it touched her’s, was rough and calloused to the point it sometimes became pleasantly uncomfortable.

Drown me in Your Hues

Paint

For that special boy with the pretty smile and the twinkling eyes 🙂

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You have created art

Without knowing

You took me, a mere rag

A ghost of what I once was

Used and abused till I began to fray

And riddled with holes

Broken beyond repair

You took me without fear

Repulsion

Or pity

You took me in your arms

On Depression and Desperation

So recently I met someone who told me something interesting- that she had utilized her depression as a way to bond with similar minded individuals. The concept itself baffled me. Every time I’d brought up the topic around people, their reactions could be easily sorted into these categories:-

1- Extreme pity. I’m talking ‘BooHoo you broken soul…talk to me when you feel depressed again’ level of pity. ‘Say something nice at the moment and then forget it’ pity.

2- Disbelief. ‘You seem too happy to be depressed’ or ‘Girls this young don’t get depressed’ or even the occasional ‘You have everything! Why would you feel depressed?’

3- Accusations. ‘Oh the special snowflake syndrome’ or ‘You’re just trying to get attention, huh?’

4- Awkwardness. Followed by sudden change of subject. ‘Oh so you were once depressed, huh… Ever heard of the Great Depression of Europe? I’ve always wanted to visit Europe’

Sometimes I think to myself, why do I even bother? When people ask you ‘how are you?’ they expect an ‘I’m fine, thank you!’. It’s more a matter of politeness rather than genuine interest.

I’ve been living with depression for a very long time now.

Cut my Tongue and ask me why I’m Mute

The worst was when the words died in his mouth. No matter how recently he’d wet his lips with water, they’d go dry at the slightest hint of being made to speak out loud. He’d miss some words, make mistakes in pronunciation and easily make an utter fool of himself.

People around him were so so good. The words danced from the tips of their tongues, weaving a tapestry of sentences that draped over the entire audience, leaving them spell-bound. And he? His function was

Open letter to my Future Love

There was a time in my life when I thought it was an impossibility for me to be loved by someone. I could never imagine someone being genuinely interested in who I am. Someone wanting to be with me. Someone thinking about me even when I’m not in close proximity. Because truthfully, I’m not exactly the kind of beauty who can dance across many a lad’s day dreams.

But a few things happened, stuff I’d surely tell you everything about, and I realized that I loved who I am. That’s why now I believe in my capability to be loved. And I believe in your existence.

I have to apologize. I’m not exactly the most stable individual. I have too much emotion for my own good. Everything you do will affect me, and I’d probably be too embarrassed by that fact to let you know. But here’s a tip

Chains

It’s not that she was always being physically restrained, so to say. But even so, she could always feel the chains tightening around her soul- her very being.

The rules they set for her weren’t unreasonable. She could easily follow them and keep being the wonderful girl she’d always been.

But lately, she’d wanted more.

The first time she’d dared to lie to her parents was when she experienced the bitter-sweet ache of love.

Dread

Some nights I sleep with a smile on my face

Others I spend in an unfeeling daze

Yet others set the stage for my tears

Which wet my pillow with my dread and my fears

 

Some nights I dream vivid, pretty dreams

Castles and cupcakes and joyous screams

But at times I dream that the ‘bad man’ has come

And I hug myself tighter, cold and numb

 

Sometimes it’s my classmates, pretending I’m dead

Sometimes it’s the monster drooling under my bead

Sometimes it’s the boy I love, calling me a slut

And then I awaken with a knotted gut

 

Sometimes I fear my dreams are parallel worlds

And there exists one where I’m without my curls

And one where my parents sell me to another

One where my friends change like the weather

 

Other times, they’re scenes from a long time ago

The doubt in her eyes that hurt me so

The lies from the one who hates me sans reason

The words from his mouth, bitter acts of treason

 

But sometimes I dream of all that’s good

Some people around love me all they could

They say that my broken self is just fine

At least for this moment, their hearts are all mine

 

The dreams are yet to be subdued

At times, it feels like a timeless feud

But change has come- now I long to be free

I’ve found my kindred, and they’ve found me

 

Finally my wings have begun to sprout

Before long, I believe I can try them out,

Conquer the world I had feared for so long

And set right all that it had done me wrong.

 

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For all those who are at war with their own minds 🙂 Keep fighting.

(Sorry for the mostly forced rhymes I’m not very good at poetry yet.)