Love, for me is…

I believe in true love. And to be honest, people have made fun of it for more than I can remember.

My family names love as the feeling you get when you lead a life with a person they choose for you. My friends decide that true love is what we see in Bollywood movies. My brother laughs at love because he still thinks girls have cooties. My ex, for a long time, tried to convince me that love was a lie- a mere mix of chemicals and other decidedly unromantic things. The senior I admire chose a girlfriend who was nice to him because he thought that was love.

To be honest, I’m still not quite sure myself. 

The Inexplicable Hardships of Finding Love

“Well. Good bye then.” I tried to smile, but it turned out a grimace.
My date, whom I’d just dropped off, didn’t seem to notice. Mostly because she was looking everywhere but at my face. And no, it’s not because she was shy.

“I had a… unique time.” She said. I knew what that tone meant. I wasn’t getting a second date. I’d learnt to recognise that tone ever since I ventured into dating. Women seldom wanted to see me again.

“I’ll call you.” She said by way of custom. She didn’t even have my number.

“Sure” I muttered. Too bad. This one was actually pretty.

I was thirty one, and I was going home to nothing but an empty bachelors pad. When my fellow workers complained of marriage, I wanted nothing more than to punch them and their home-made lunches to pieces. Living by myself even after thirty was rather…. boring.

Who am I kidding. I’m utterly miserable.

Only, when I turned the door handle, I heard a decidedly masculine burp from inside.

There was someone in my house. Someone male, and rude, judging from the gastric outburst.

I held my umbrella with both hands and nudged the door open with my shoulder, preparing to strike.

Only to be greeted by a half- naked baby chugging what looked like alcohol while lying on my sofa. My once pure white sofa. 

Little fan-letter

Hey

It’s probably really creepy, this fan-letter coming from someone you barely know.

At least, we’ve talked and you know my name, so I hope you are slightly aware of my existence.

(Also, I’m positive that you’ve caught me staring at you many times. I’m also sure that you know my feelings for you, because my friends are never quiet with their teasings and I almost always blush like a tomato)

Maybe this is a crush? I’m not really sure. All I know is that seeing you makes me happy, and I find myself chasing you with my eyes till you disappear from sight. 

Remember the first time we talked? Your classmate introduced me as ‘possibly the craziest girl’ you’d ever meet, and you looked down, introduced yourself and called me cute.

The whole night I tossed and turned in my sleep, wondering if it was a ‘little-sister’ cute or a ‘little animal’ cute. Even when morning came I was still confused about why I cared. 

Hey, will it bother you if I say that I’ve seen you do things you thought no one would see? I’ve seen you feed scraps to the strays. I’ve seen you pick up papers for someone who dropped them. I’ve seen you see me trip and watch, concerned, till I got up and waved to tell you I’m okay. 

We haven’t really talked much, have we? 

My tongue turns against me when I’m in front of you, and I speak like a drunk buffoon. But you always wait patiently till I finish, and pat my head to encourage me through. 

Hey, I’m pretty sure you saw me as a little sister at the very most. 

And I’m actually quite fine with it for once 🙂 as long as I get to see your smile again. 

Reborn

I hid myself away from the world

And lived untouched, unloved, unhurt

Barely living ; Yet surviving by

Breathing just to go from morning to night

All alone- hence no one to judge me

Queen of my world, though quite unseemly

Not joyous or sad, yet I existed

There in my realm, life wasn’t twisted

Then you chipped away at the walls I built

Threw out my troubles, washed away the guilt

For the first time, I saw the world outside and

Marvelled at its warmth, with you by my side 

Messenger Hawk

​The phone rang ten times before he picked up. I was bored enough to keep count.

“Yes?” He sounded annoyed, which was insulting, mainly because I was the only person who gave a shit about him anymore. 

When will he learn how precious I was? 

“Hello! It’s me. I was hoping… is this a bad time?” I made my voice go sweeter, more innocent. People were suckers for the angelic tone.

“Kinda yeah.”

“Oh I’m sooo sorry for being a disturbance.. it’s just..  something happened and… well, never mind.” I faked a sob. People were suckers for thinly veiled grief as well. 

“What happened?”

Hook. Line. Sucker. 

“Never mind… it’s not important.. . It is for me, but… yeah. It should stay between me and her-”

“Her?”

Oh I knew that would get his attention.

“You know who I mean. Your little darling lover-”

“Ruby? That was a long time ago and-” I could hear the disgust in his voice “She’s a bitch now. I could care less.”

There was an uncomfortable silence following that. I allowed myself to wait. Didn’t want to seem too eager- that would go against my whole ‘personality’.

“So. What did she do this time? Did she hurt you?”

Oh you would love that, won’t you? Just another reason to hate what you couldn’t have. So simple. So adorable. 

“I… she told me something…. It hurt me.. I don’t know if she was lying but..  she told me that you hang out with me only to make her jealous-” another fake sob “Is that true?”

For a while, there was no indication of another person being on the other end of the phone but his laboured breathing. I could practically see the gears move in his head. 

“Is it true?” I sobbed again. I was never one to shy away from dramatic effects. 

“What? No. No you’re precious to me. You- you stood by my side through thick and thin and-” his voice broke “You were right about her all along. She was a lying, conniving little-” 

“Oh I’m sooo happy! I consider you precious as well! You’re like my family!” 

“I’m sorry you had to hear that-”

“No. No it doesn’t matter. I wont give much importance to her words anymore. Thank you so much!”

“I’ll see what I can do about her. When I’m done she wont bother you anymore.” His protective tone sent shivers down my spine. 

“I know. I trust you.”

************************************************

“Good morning!” The wench greeted me with a smile. 

“Oh good mooorning, Ruby! You look so cute today-”

“You think so?” She pulled on her short dress. Who did she think she was, wearing such provocative-

“You know, I didn’t sleep much last night-” she sighed, sitting down next to me. I bit down the bile rising in my throat and slipped a hand around her shoulders.

“Your eyes do seem red. Something happened? Maybe with-”

“My ex. Yeah. Tom just messaged me out of the blue last night and-” she sighed again, hugging her legs. “I’d only just started to forget… Why does he hate me so much? I was the one who was dumped and now he’s acting like I killed his pet dog or something-”

I had to remind myself to stop smiling. 

“What did he say?”

“Something about me being a bitch to everyone he cares about. I don’t even know anymore.” Her eyes were tearing up again. The girl would drown us all some day. Disgusting.

She wiped them away and stared at me. “You know, I’m not so sure I should be talking about this stuff with you. You’re his friend-”

I morphed my facial features skilfully to showcase my ‘disgust’ at such an insinuation. 

“Me? Friends with him? Ruby you know you’re my best friend! I’m only with him because our families know each other… I’d hoped you’d understand… I have to please them no matter how much of a bastard the son is-” 

She looked up at me. “Yeah. Sorry. I understand.” Her lips widened into a smile, and I tried not to cringe. “I trust you.”

************************************************

When class began, I observed them both. Tom glared at her, something she returned with equal venom. The two supposedly ‘smart’ idiots had no clue they were being strung along. 

I liked this. I liked this a lot, playing the messenger. Instead of a sweet dove sending words of love between two hearts, I enjoyed being the hawk that ripped them to shreds.

What did I get from this? I don’t really understand it myself. There is a small part of me that fancies him, and an equally small part that hates her. 

But for now, at least for the moment, the fact that I have two people hanging on to my every word- the fact that I had the power to cause a rift between two people who supposedly ‘loved’ each other…. The thought is addicting. 

Was this me being a villain? 

Nah.

This was just me being human.

Well then. What shall I say next? 

Liar Liar

He likes to find happiness in the slightest of things.

The smell of a bakery, the wetness of a puppy’s nose.

The flowers raining down on a particularly windy spring day, the tiny rainbows trapped in soap bubbles….. and her.

Though, to be fair, she couldn’t exactly be considered a ‘small’ thing- unless, of course, one was describing her height.

There was happiness in watching the grace with which she took others’ comments on her physique. The way her black eyes showed a tint of brown in the sun. How her hair, though short, managed to dance along with the breeze. 

On Love, my Faults and Mitty

Having been a student of an all girls school for about twelve years, my interaction with boys had been minimal, to say the least. I had had a childhood friend who I once had a crush on but later it grew into a more brotherly affection (at the precise time he started seeing me as a woman. Timing is a bitch). I had had a few guy friends I played Cricket with near my house, but I lost all contact with them once I ‘became’ a girl. A bunch of guy friends at tuition classes, but not many I knew well enough to be versed in ‘male psychology’.

Being in a Catholic girls school gave me the added ‘advantage’ of seeing any male who was even remotely interested in me through tinted glasses. From upper primary classes I’d been taught time and time again that men are strong, scary and sleazy. I had also had a few frightening ‘encounters’ with guys by that time, so I was convinced that nothing good would come from being in a relationship.

And yet, I kept inhaling shoujo manga and certain fictional romances like Pride and Prejudice. I idolized Sakura and Syaoran, a fictional couple who seemed to me have the perfect relationship. It was sweet, understanding and most importantly, they had maximum trust in each other. I desired to meet someone who’d see me in that way.

I mean… look at them!

But that was inhibited by my above mentioned man-fear and low self-esteem.

When I went to college, for the first time (in a looooong time) I was regularly sharing a classroom with guys. They weren’t as scary as I thought they would be. In fact, I found most of them

On Family and Why I don’t want Children

WARNING- highly emotional rant ahead.

So, I’m going to state a really unpopular opinion of mine, simply because I’ve held it in for so long that its threatening to devour me from the inside.

I love my family. I truly do. But I am not a fan of how they treat me at times. Actually, I absolutely despise their actions at many occasions.

There are instances where their words leave me gasping for breath in-between crying sessions all alone in my room, and then there are happy times when we sit together watching reality shows and make jokes at the expense of the participants. My mother is amazing at juggling work and house work, my dad is the softest person I know and my brother has the most amazing memory. We have so many great family moments that I feel like a little bitch for ever thinking that I want to move away from them.

But I do. Oh I do.

Recently,

Unanswered

Firstly, I apologize for the long absence -_- College was taking too much of my time. But I have some holidays now so I’m back! Yay!  ~( ^ o ^ )~

*******************************************************

Her feelings were and would always be one sided, and she was strangely okay with it.

She didn’t know what to call it. It was too shallow to be love, but too deep to be just a crush. The object of her affections, she had known for a long time. Yet the connection was new forged.

He was the complete opposite of what she had deemed her ‘type’. Short and soft-spoken, he preferred books to TV shows and silences to meaningless babble. He payed a lot of attention to grooming but aimed to look neat rather than stylish. He’d easily be lost in a crowd because there was nothing particularly unique about his appearance.

But her gaze would find him in seconds.

No one could see, unless they looked very closely, how his eyes looked like molten chocolate in the sun. They’d never find the small crooked tooth that would magically appear with every shy smile nor the lean muscles hiding behind the crisp clothes. That his palm, whenever it touched her’s, was rough and calloused to the point it sometimes became pleasantly uncomfortable.

Just a Joke

Daily Prompt: Joke

The timing was perfect. She had finally got some time alone with him, and that too under a rather exquisite tree. Birds were chattering excitedly over their very heads. The tiny flowers around their seated bodies blushed red with an intensity that was surpassed only by her rosy cheeks.

The whole setting reeked of romance.

He was her best friend. The one person who understood her best of all. It felt like fate was pushing her towards him.

They sat together, reveling in the shared silence. She wondered if he could hear her erratic heartbeat. To her it seemed too loud to ignore.

I love you.

They’d never once said those words to each other, but their gestures spoke volumes. She was as sure of his love as the fact that the sun was a star. Hence she did not feel any of the nervousness or tension one might entertain before confessing.