Love, for me is…

I believe in true love. And to be honest, people have made fun of it for more than I can remember.

My family names love as the feeling you get when you lead a life with a person they choose for you. My friends decide that true love is what we see in Bollywood movies. My brother laughs at love because he still thinks girls have cooties. My ex, for a long time, tried to convince me that love was a lie- a mere mix of chemicals and other decidedly unromantic things. The senior I admire chose a girlfriend who was nice to him because he thought that was love.

To be honest, I’m still not quite sure myself.  Continue reading

Of little girls and the masks we all wear 

Whenever my parents speak of my childhood, they start with this one particular story. I was barely three, and they’d taken me to a wedding where we scarcely knew anyone. They took their eyes off me for a few minutes, and I disappeared. After searching for me frantically and nearly giving my grandma (who was at home) a heart attack, they found me in the midst of a group of kids almost thrice my age. They’d all gathered around me, patiently listening to some grand story I was telling them in baby-talk. All of them came to wave me goodbye when it was my time to leave.

And then they turn to the present me with a sigh, and remark “Where has that little girl gone now?”

I dont know. I like to think that she’s still hiding inside me somewhere Continue reading

 Messenger Hawk

​The phone rang ten times before he picked up. I was bored enough to keep count.

“Yes?” He sounded annoyed, which was insulting, mainly because I was the only person who gave a shit about him anymore. 

When will he learn how precious I was? 

“Hello! It’s me. I was hoping… is this a bad time?” I made my voice go sweeter, more innocent. People were suckers for the angelic tone.

“Kinda yeah.”

“Oh I’m sooo sorry for being a disturbance.. it’s just..  something happened and… well, never mind.” I faked a sob. People were suckers for thinly veiled grief as well. 

“What happened?”

Hook. Line. Sucker

“Never mind… it’s not important.. . It is for me, but… yeah. It should stay between me and her-”

Her?”

Oh I knew that would get his attention.

“You know who I mean. Your little darling lover-”

“Ruby? That was a long time ago and-” I could hear the disgust in his voice “She’s a bitch now. I could care less.”

There was an uncomfortable silence following that. I allowed myself to wait. Didn’t want to seem too eager- that would go against my whole ‘personality’.

“So. What did she do this time? Did she hurt you?”

Oh you would love that, won’t you? Just another reason to hate what you couldn’t have. So simple. So adorable. 

“I… she told me something…. It hurt me.. I don’t know if she was lying but..  she told me that you hang out with me only to make her jealous-” another fake sob “Is that true?”

For a while, there was no indication of another person being on the other end of the phone but his laboured breathing. I could practically see the gears move in his head. 

“Is it true?” I sobbed again. I was never one to shy away from dramatic effects. 

“What? No. No you’re precious to me. You- you stood by my side through thick and thin and-” his voice broke “You were right about her all along. She was a lying, conniving little-” 

“Oh I’m sooo happy! I consider you precious as well! You’re like my family!” 

“I’m sorry you had to hear that-”

“No. No it doesn’t matter. I wont give much importance to her words anymore. Thank you so much!”

“I’ll see what I can do about her. When I’m done she wont bother you anymore.” His protective tone sent shivers down my spine. 

“I know. I trust you.”

************************************************

“Good morning!” The wench greeted me with a smile. 

“Oh good mooorning, Ruby! You look so cute today-”

“You think so?” She pulled on her short dress. Who did she think she was, wearing such provocative-

“You know, I didn’t sleep much last night-” she sighed, sitting down next to me. I bit down the bile rising in my throat and slipped a hand around her shoulders.

“Your eyes do seem red. Something happened? Maybe with-”

“My ex. Yeah. Tom just messaged me out of the blue last night and-” she sighed again, hugging her legs. “I’d only just started to forget… Why does he hate me so much? I was the one who was dumped and now he’s acting like I killed his pet dog or something-”

I had to remind myself to stop smiling. 

“What did he say?”

“Something about me being a bitch to everyone he cares about. I don’t even know anymore.” Her eyes were tearing up again. The girl would drown us all some day. Disgusting.

She wiped them away and stared at me. “You know, I’m not so sure I should be talking about this stuff with you. You’re his friend-”

I morphed my facial features skilfully to showcase my ‘disgust’ at such an insinuation. 

“Me? Friends with him? Ruby you know you’re my best friend! I’m only with him because our families know each other… I’d hoped you’d understand… I have to please them no matter how much of a bastard the son is-” 

She looked up at me. “Yeah. Sorry. I understand.” Her lips widened into a smile, and I tried not to cringe. “I trust you.”

************************************************

When class began, I observed them both. Tom glared at her, something she returned with equal venom. The two supposedly ‘smart’ idiots had no clue they were being strung along. 

I liked this. I liked this a lot, playing the messenger. Instead of a sweet dove sending words of love between two hearts, I enjoyed being the hawk that ripped them to shreds.

What did I get from this? I don’t really understand it myself. There is a small part of me that fancies him, and an equally small part that hates her. 

But for now, at least for the moment, the fact that I have two people hanging on to my every word- the fact that I had the power to cause a rift between two people who supposedly ‘loved’ each other…. The thought is addicting. 

Was this me being a villain? 

Nah.

This was just me being human.

Well then. What shall I say next? 

How my Art grew when my Heart broke 

During my second year of college I had to deal with a lot of crap. My depression started affecting my daily life to the point I often left early from class. I had body image issues and the slight teasings from classmates made it worse. I lost a few friends and it hit me hard. The final nail in the coffin was my boyfriend at that time telling me I had become unlovable.

But every cloud has a silver lining- this was the time I realised that drawing was catharsis for my soul. So I drew. I experimented with many styles till I found one that suited me. And then, I drew every time something brought me down.

This might not shock you, but it did me. I’d never drawn something this grotesque before.

They’re not all great works of art. Most were done in between crying sessions, so they were quick, messy and frankly not very aesthetically pleasing. It it was very different from the perfection I usually practiced.  Continue reading

Trip to Magic Planet 

So dad decided to surprise us with a family trip. Since I was in the middle of a ‘friendly’ quarrel with him (I’d had other plans that day, and I was a bit pissed at having to drop them) I didn’t ask about the destination.

Imagine my surprise when we drove up to this

Not many people would know about this place, even in my home town. So here’s the gist.

Magic Planet is a theme park dedicated exclusively to magic and its practice. It prides itself as the world’s first magic mansion, and was established by magician Muthukad.

Nightmare fuel 1 😐

There was a bus deployed just for taking us visitors from the parking area to the park gate (very walkable distance, but hey, whatever floats their boat) Continue reading

Despise or Forgive? (A Hate Story)

Confused

She was utterly at a loss as to how to act around him.

Did she hate him? Yes. Yes, because he used her naivety, broke her heart and gave new life to her insecurities.

She was very vocal about her hatred too. She found particular joy at making smart-ass come backs to his lame one-liners and making him lose face. She also found it hilarious to make puns at his expense. The man hated a woman, especially one who had been so dependent on him, put one above him. But there was nothing much he could do. She enjoyed his powerlessness.

Others knew of her hatred as well. Though she took particular care to not speak outright of his crimes, those who hated him flocked around her. At such discussions she was always passive and mute, but she listened. Oh she listened.

But there were other times when she’d feel sorry for him.

Continue reading

On Depression and Desperation

So recently I met someone who told me something interesting- that she had utilized her depression as a way to bond with similar minded individuals. The concept itself baffled me. Every time I’d brought up the topic around people, their reactions could be easily sorted into these categories:-

1- Extreme pity. I’m talking ‘BooHoo you broken soul…talk to me when you feel depressed again’ level of pity. ‘Say something nice at the moment and then forget it’ pity.

2- Disbelief. ‘You seem too happy to be depressed’ or ‘Girls this young don’t get depressed’ or even the occasional ‘You have everything! Why would you feel depressed?’

3- Accusations. ‘Oh the special snowflake syndrome’ or ‘You’re just trying to get attention, huh?’

4- Awkwardness. Followed by sudden change of subject. ‘Oh so you were once depressed, huh… Ever heard of the Great Depression of Europe? I’ve always wanted to visit Europe’

Sometimes I think to myself, why do I even bother? When people ask you ‘how are you?’ they expect an ‘I’m fine, thank you!’. It’s more a matter of politeness rather than genuine interest.

I’ve been living with depression for a very long time now. Continue reading

Cut my Tongue and ask me why I’m Mute

The worst was when the words died in his mouth. No matter how recently he’d wet his lips with water, they’d go dry at the slightest hint of being made to speak out loud. He’d miss some words, make mistakes in pronunciation and easily make an utter fool of himself.

People around him were so so good. The words danced from the tips of their tongues, weaving a tapestry of sentences that draped over the entire audience, leaving them spell-bound. And he? His function was Continue reading