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On Love, my Faults and Mitty 

Having been a student of an all girls school for about twelve years, my interaction with boys had been minimal, to say the least. I had had a childhood friend who I once had a crush on but later it grew into a more brotherly affection (at the precise time he started seeing me as a woman. Timing is a bitch). I had had a few guy friends I played Cricket with near my house, but I lost all contact with them once I ‘became’ a girl. A bunch of guy friends at tuition classes, but not many I knew well enough to be versed in ‘male psychology’.

Being in a Catholic girls school gave me the added ‘advantage’ of seeing any male who was even remotely interested in me through tinted glasses. From upper primary classes I’d been taught time and time again that men are strong, scary and sleazy. I had also had a few frightening ‘encounters’ with guys by that time, so I was convinced that nothing good would come from being in a relationship.

And yet, I kept inhaling shoujo manga and certain fictional romances like Pride and Prejudice. I idolized Sakura and Syaoran, a fictional couple who seemed to me have the perfect relationship. It was sweet, understanding and most importantly, they had maximum trust in each other. I desired to meet someone who’d see me in that way.

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I mean… look at them!

But that was inhibited by my above mentioned man-fear and low self-esteem.

When I went to college, for the first time (in a looooong time) I was regularly sharing a classroom with guys. They weren’t as scary as I thought they would be. In fact, I found most of them

Continue reading

On Family and Why I don’t want Children

WARNING- highly emotional rant ahead.

So, I’m going to state a really unpopular opinion of mine, simply because I’ve held it in for so long that its threatening to devour me from the inside.

I love my family. I truly do. But I am not a fan of how they treat me at times. Actually, I absolutely despise their actions at many occasions.

There are instances where their words leave me gasping for breath in-between crying sessions all alone in my room, and then there are happy times when we sit together watching reality shows and make jokes at the expense of the participants. My mother is amazing at juggling work and house work, my dad is the softest person I know and my brother has the most amazing memory. We have so many great family moments that I feel like a little bitch for ever thinking that I want to move away from them.

But I do. Oh I do.

Recently, Continue reading

Thinking (aka Why I’m going to cut down on my coffee intake)

So we malayalees have this holiday where we’re not supposed to read, write or learn for a whole two days. I ended up sitting in my room, looking out my window and sipping some black coffee, thinking about, well, me. And here’s what I found out.

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I’m a very weird person, and I don’t mean it in a I’m-so-interesting-and-different way or a I’m-human-trash way. Everyone is strange in their own little ways- most people are just great in hiding it. The problem with me is that though I am rather good at acting in plays, I cannot pretend to be something I’m not.

That kind of thing is nowadays romanticized in films and books. Its like ‘Oh that character… I know she has a sharp tongue, but she keeps it real and I like how truthful she is.’ In real life, stuff like that gets you hated or at least makes you the irritating one amongst a group of friends. I truly believe that in order to have a fulfilling life as a human being, it is necessary to have the ability to mask one’s true feelings. And by that, I only mean cases where doing so is advantageous to yourself and/or the others involved.

I sometimes forget Continue reading

Trip to Magic Planet 

So dad decided to surprise us with a family trip. Since I was in the middle of a ‘friendly’ quarrel with him (I’d had other plans that day, and I was a bit pissed at having to drop them) I didn’t ask about the destination.

Imagine my surprise when we drove up to this

Not many people would know about this place, even in my home town. So here’s the gist.

Magic Planet is a theme park dedicated exclusively to magic and its practice. It prides itself as the world’s first magic mansion, and was established by magician Muthukad.

Nightmare fuel 1 😐

There was a bus deployed just for taking us visitors from the parking area to the park gate (very walkable distance, but hey, whatever floats their boat) Continue reading

A few Glimpses of South India

My family isn’t one to go on vacations often, but the very few we do take are memorable indeed. I found a few old pictures in my computer, so I wanted to share them with you guys! ^^

Keep in mind, I was about eight years younger when I took these pictures, and I’m not the world’s greatest photographer :3

1- Kanyakumari, Tamil Nadu

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Kanyakumai is the southernmost tip of Peninsular India. It’s name was derived from the Devi Kanya Kumari temple in the same region.It is a popular tourist destination, well renowned for it’s expansive beaches and elaborately decorated temples. It is especially well known for it’s sunrises and sunsets.

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On Depression and Desperation

So recently I met someone who told me something interesting- that she had utilized her depression as a way to bond with similar minded individuals. The concept itself baffled me. Every time I’d brought up the topic around people, their reactions could be easily sorted into these categories:-

1- Extreme pity. I’m talking ‘BooHoo you broken soul…talk to me when you feel depressed again’ level of pity. ‘Say something nice at the moment and then forget it’ pity.

2- Disbelief. ‘You seem too happy to be depressed’ or ‘Girls this young don’t get depressed’ or even the occasional ‘You have everything! Why would you feel depressed?’

3- Accusations. ‘Oh the special snowflake syndrome’ or ‘You’re just trying to get attention, huh?’

4- Awkwardness. Followed by sudden change of subject. ‘Oh so you were once depressed, huh… Ever heard of the Great Depression of Europe? I’ve always wanted to visit Europe’

Sometimes I think to myself, why do I even bother? When people ask you ‘how are you?’ they expect an ‘I’m fine, thank you!’. It’s more a matter of politeness rather than genuine interest.

I’ve been living with depression for a very long time now. Continue reading

Cut my Tongue and ask me why I’m Mute

The worst was when the words died in his mouth. No matter how recently he’d wet his lips with water, they’d go dry at the slightest hint of being made to speak out loud. He’d miss some words, make mistakes in pronunciation and easily make an utter fool of himself.

People around him were so so good. The words danced from the tips of their tongues, weaving a tapestry of sentences that draped over the entire audience, leaving them spell-bound. And he? His function was Continue reading

Open letter to my Future Love

There was a time in my life when I thought it was an impossibility for me to be loved by someone. I could never imagine someone being genuinely interested in who I am. Someone wanting to be with me. Someone thinking about me even when I’m not in close proximity. Because truthfully, I’m not exactly the kind of beauty who can dance across many a lad’s day dreams.

But a few things happened, stuff I’d surely tell you everything about, and I realized that loved who I am. That’s why now I believe in my capability to be loved. And I believe in your existence.

I have to apologize. I’m not exactly the most stable individual. I have too much emotion for my own good. Everything you do will affect me, and I’d probably be too embarrassed by that fact to let you know. But here’s a tip Continue reading

Of Tailor Shops and Boundaries

So, my college has this ridiculous tradition where once you’ve reached the third year, you’re forced to wear ‘formal clothing’ once a month. And obviously, because this is India, our only ‘formal clothing’ is a saree.

Now for those who don’t know what a saree is, it is basically this long cloth wrapped around a woman as elegantly as possible.

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Beautiful right? Only, its really annoying to wear one, particularly for girls like me who aren’t used to it.  Continue reading